You have probably seen it before. A musician on stage singing with a guitar strapped around their neck, but they never play a note. I never understood that until I started playing and singing in high school/college. You develop a certain comfort level holding that instrument, and it becomes part of what you are doing. Often, a song requires you to focus more on what you are singing than what you are playing, particularly if you are leading a group of people in song. It also becomes a necessity to have another guitar playing along to keep things from falling apart while you sing. A few times, I even tried to lead without playing an instrument at all. I felt lost without my guitar. What do I do with my hands? Now people are looking at my goofy self, and there’s no hiding behind that guitar!
Since my transition out of full time church ministry, I have found myself in much the same position. No, not standing with a guitar around my neck, but trying to figure out how my life works without the familiar position of leadership in a church. Of course I have worked other jobs before, but as a sort of “place holder” until God put me back into a church role. However, I think that God may have a new course charted for me this time. Nothing is familiar, nothing feels normal in my new setting. I find that same kind of “where is my guitar” panic set in now and then as I work to figure out who Steve is without the position that had become all too familiar and comfortable.
That probably sounds pretty lame, but I have been forced to take a hard look at who I really am in many ways. What parts of my walk with Jesus were parts that I “played” as part of my church job, and what was real? Could I really be the same guy without it all?
These questions have swirled in my mind over the past months. The emotion of having our vocational ministry brought to an immediate stop, and not be a decision that we came to on our own created a lot of doubt, anger, and sadness that was not easy to process quickly. The normal church answers were not enough, and anyone who said “the Lord has a plan, something better is on the way” or some other church cliché were politely ignored. Deep wounds require deep care, and that healing takes time. I needed to be with people I could trust that could look past our scars and strange state and love us anyway.
God has brought those folks through long time friends, our church here in Lubbock, as well as the school where we teach. New friends that are honest and real with us. They allow us to fail, to make mistakes and be transparent and imperfect at times. The big question on my mind was what I was supposed to be in my new role as a teacher? Do try to be a “preacher teacher” or is that as dumb as it sounds when I say it? Yes… it is. I sure can’t be the guy with it all together, I’m a rookie in the classroom. I wrestled with goofy thoughts like this for weeks.
Then, yesterday as I was listening to the song “Simple Man” by Lynyrd Skynyrd, it clicked. I just need to be the kind of person my parents taught me to be. A hard working person that does his best to show the love of Jesus as I’m walking through each day. Some days are better than others, but my prayer is that this philosophy of “simple” gets me out of the way and lets Jesus be front and center. People often don’t need a preacher as much as they need friend. I’m praying that I can be used in that way.
Just goes to show that God can speak through anything. After all, He spoke though a donkey in the Bible! If that’s the case, I hope he uses me. I’m thankful that He is not done with me yet…
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