Remember what it was like to be in 8th grade? How about 11th grade? It's easy to forget the enormous pressure teenagers face to fit in, to be cool (or whatever the current word happens to be), and to achieve that ever-distant goal of being "POPULAR" in their school, town, etc.
Popular... what does that even mean? Dictionary.com defines popular as:
"Regarded with favor, approval, or affection by people in general."
Looking at it from this perspective, it tends to make more sense. Our kids spend countless hours on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, Snapchat, and other forms of social media in an effort to build an "image" that they want the world to believe... even if it is a total fabrication. They seem to believe that the more "likes" they get, the more "favor, approval, and affection" they can get. They go to great lengths to take, edit, and post photos of themselves in an effort to stand out from the rest of the culture around them. However, in reality, they are doing nothing but offering up their own version of what this online culture is commanding. Starving themselves to look "fit," stripping down to nearly nothing (or nothing at all) in an effort to bring attention to their looks. Spending hours on hair, makeup, grooming, etc. so that things will look "just right" so that they will "fit in." If a photo is taken of them that does not fit the "look" or the "theme" of their social media, it is immediately modified or cast aside. All of this may sound like nonsense to adults that are reading this, but it is the reality that our kids live in.
This is a sad situation, but it gets worse. In my 22+ years of working with students, I have found that it is often the parents that add fuel to the fire of popularity in our kids. Maybe it is because we did not find that elusive popularity in school, and we want that for our kids. Maybe we cover our own insecurities and motivations by saying that we just want the "best" for our kids... Sadly, I tend to think it's a much more selfish motive at play here. You see, as parents, we tell our children that their behavior and how they live reflects on our family, our Lord, and on the parents that raised them. Now, obviously there are some Biblical truths there, and we often call those to attention when this topic is brought up. But let's be honest... sometimes we parents hide behind things like that to avoid the truth. The truth is, we want our kids to be popular, well-liked, and well received... but most of the time we want those things because it makes US feel that sense of "favor, approval, or affection by people in general" with our own peers. Don't agree? Stay with me...
When we parents begin to admit this trend, it is quite sobering. Moms and Dads, we often stop parenting our kids completely at this stage. We let them dress in ways that we would never have allowed to dress when they were younger. We buy them things that we cannot afford. We allow them to "decide for themselves" about who they are friends with, how they spend their time and money, and if they want to go to church or not. In this sense, we are throwing our young and immature kids into an adult world and allowing them to make adult decisions before they are remotely close to being mentally ready to make decisions like an adult. Sure, they have grown taller, more muscular, and may have the physique of an adult, but mentally and emotionally, they are still very very young and deserve our protection. It is like we hand the keys of a Mercedes to a 13 year old with no driving experience and expect them just know how to drive. None of us would do that.
Knowing this, it should not come as a surprise when our teenagers begin to make huge mistakes in life. Maybe their grades begin to slide, or they get caught cheating to maintain their grades. Too often, they begin to hang out with the wrong people, experiment with alcohol/drugs, become sexually active, or do just the opposite and become totally reclusive. No doubt, all of our kids are going to make mistakes. They are going to struggle with who they are and about what they believe. What we need to ask ourselves as parents, "Am I helping my kids make right decisions, or am I part of the problem?"
Next, are we teaching our kids to have a false sense of where their value comes from? If we teach them that they should be adored, what happens when they get out in the real world and learn the harsh reality that the world does not revolve around them after all? A healthy dose of reality in their younger years could save a lot of heartache for them in their young adult life. I'm not advocating that we intentionally make our kids feel bad about themselves. I'm just saying that sometimes the hard realities of life teach life lessons that we can be there to help guide them through by pointing them towards Jesus.
None of us are perfect parents. None of our kids are without issues. We are imperfect, sinful people that, left to our own devices, will choose the wrong thing most of the time. This is where our relationship with Jesus is so vital. Without Him guiding our decisions, our thoughts, and our parenting, mistakes will be abundant in our lives. Let's face it, our need for a guide in life is enormous! Remember what the Bible says about our own hearts:
"This is what the Lord says: 'Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the Lord. That person will be like a bush in the wastelands; they will not see prosperity when it comes. They will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will b like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.' The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" -- Jeremiah 17:5-9
Can we be honest with ourselves? Have we deceived ourselves into believing that pushing our kids to be accepted has a selfish motive behind it? Have we taught our kids that this acceptance is more important than their character? More important than their relationship with God? If so, it is our responsibility to help our kids right the ship. Big changes may need to come, but what may seem tough and painful in the moment can result in long term changes that will have a lasting impact in the lives of our kids. Would we rather our kids have temporary acceptance in their teen years, or a lifetime of following the lead of Jesus? It is up to us to show them the way!
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